It is odd.
After two years as a widow...Bill's death the morning of December 24th...but the day I replay...the day that sticks in my mind is today. The 23rd. Our last day together.
Just one of those really unremarkable, ordinary days in life.
Coffee together and the morning news. More coffee and dissecting the morning news. Another cup and lamenting the fact they
"Never listen to us...do they?"
The day to day chat...we had celebrated an early Christmas with the kids and grands only two days before. He was proud of our youngest's skills on the guitar...and our eldest...who was then teaching his oldest (his stepson) to play...continung the musical circle. Our middle had spent the better part of the year with us and was returning to Tampa to resume college. Our youngest grandson had been a delight :) We mused at how amazing grand-parenting was...and how lucky we both were to have experienced it together.
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He was working on his (then) unreleased CD...tweaking the mix. I was working on the Cover-Art. We knew that the end was close. We had seen the "blast" filled slides in the lab just weeks before. Watched as the leukemia made him weaker and weaker. Knew that the last transfusion would be his last.
Still...it was just an utterly ordinary day.
I fixed homemade biscuits and gravy that night. It was one of his favorites. We watched a Nicholas Cage film together. Wrapped in a blanket.
We turned in fairly early. Snuggled. He remarked how hard he was trying to hold on until January. And how very tired he was. He was becoming more and more symptomatic and remarked
"It's BAD isn't it?"
And I couldn't respond. Didn't need to. Just held him close in my arms and cried. Said how sorry I was that somehow I couldn't (as a nurse) "fix it". It is a terrible and real moment when you finally realize not everything can be "fixed".
And our last "I love yous" and our last kisses.
Especially our last kiss.
(...though at the time neither of us knew...)
and snugged together sleeping "spoons" like we had for over 18 years...he slipped away at a little past 5 AM.
His final day he was happy. Had a good day. Enjoyed an afternoon doing what he loved most...music. Enjoyed one of his favorite homemade meals. Enjoyed one of his favorite actors/films. Reflected happily on the early Christmas celebration and our 18th Anniversary "getaway" to Turkey Run only a week before.
Above all...he knew that last night how very very much he was loved.
He felt loved.
Isn't that all any of us could ever ask?
Today I am cleaning and baking. Tomorrow I will be surrounded once again by the kids and "grands". Our eldest grandson (technically our step-grandson) torn away this year by the divorce. Inside I am almost glad that Bill missed that painful slice of life. But the girls are so big now...and the baby certainly isn't a baby anymore...and the girls' little sister (Jasmine) is joining us...and has taken to calling me Grandma Rose like everyone else...
And like Frost said about life:
It Goes On.
