Or as Idgy said:
"So, you killed someone off over the weekend?"
Yeah...it had to happen.
_____________________________________________________________________
[ Jerry is religiously punctual. He arrives as before, well dressed and groomed, but this time something is different. Wrong. Off. The slightly nervous man from our first meeting seems to be replaced by a man on the edge of a full blown anxiety attack. Sitting in the outer waiting area he picks at invisible lint on his jacket. Then, at his nails and cuticles. When I walk into the lobby to collect him he springs up jack-in-the-box like at the sound of my voice. I know. And he knows that I know. All his I'm-her-protector front has been torn away. Destroyed. And he knows it. Today's session should prove very interesting. I nod for him to sit down when we reach the office, and he does. ]
"Trace told me that she told you."
[ He refuses to make eye contact and stares into his templed hands resting in his lap. A thin sheen of perspiration appears across his brow. Although he is in his thirties, he has the affect of a small boy waiting for punishment to be meted out.]
"Can I at least explain? It isn't exactly what it looks like."
[ I clear my throat and nod assention, then assure him that anything that is said is completely confidential. It seems to have solved a problem for him, somehow.]
"Mark and I were best friends. Hell, we grew up together. He was always tougher than me, and he had my back for years when we were growing up in Atlanta."
[His shoulders begin to shake and his voice breaks...I let him collect himself then he continues with a flat affect, almost a monotone.]
"You wouldn't know it now, but Trace used to be quite the "looker" back when we were all running around together in high school. A lot of the guys would have given their left nut to...well...even me. But Trace was all about Mark back then. And Mark was my best friend. I didn't have a lot of friends. Hell, I didn't have any friends. It came natural to him. I was always just grateful to be able to hang out with his friends in his shadow. And Trace, of course."
"What happened? I don't know.I tried to talk him out of enlisting. He signed up and left, anyway. Not long after he was gone Trace was always calling for help with something. The yard done or a shelf she couldn't hang. Christ. I should have seen what was coming. One night she called crying. Said she was so lonely. Just her and Josh there. All the time. She had been drinking."
"No, I wasn't drinking."
"She asked me to just lay beside her for a while. She just wanted to be held. So I did. And then she turned and pulled me toward her and kissed me. Her tongue was in my mouth and she was holding the back of my hair...while she reached down for my...my...and I was already hard...my God I'm only human...I had wanted her for years. When it was over, she just turned over and fell asleep like it was nothing. I laid crying trying to deal with the guilt I was feeling. When Mark came back after that first tour he had completely changed. I didn't lie about that. Afghanistan had taken him and destroyed the person he used to be. Listening to what he saw and did over there I can see why he drank. Why he checked out. Instead of helping my buddy, well...trying to help him, I used it to justify what had happened with Trace and me...and why it should continue. When she found out she was pregnant with Jade it was during an overlap in his tours. She had no idea if Jade was Mark's or mine. It was the moment shit got just a little too real for me, and I realized what I had done. And that it had to stop. "
[ I am surprise to see tears running down his cheeks, and he stops. Can't go on. I hand him tissues and turn away until he starts talking again]
[ I ask him how Tracy took the news that the affair was over]
"She didn't." he grimaces.
"She let me know that if I walked away now she would tell Mark, herself, when he came home."
"I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, just kept worrying about the baby. What if it was mine? What if it looked like me? What if she got pissed off and told him anyway? How could I live with myself if Mark found out? In the end I did what she wanted. Played the game. By then Josh loved me so much. I never knew whether Jade was mine or not...but I was the first person to hold her when she came into the world, and I loved her."
"Trace. I don't even know what I feel about Trace, any more. Up until Mark was injured, Trace always used our affair as the ace-in-the-hole. Toe the line or I'll tell Mark. Honestly, there were times I wanted to throttle the bitch, myself. But I love those kids. Love them so much. I married Trace last year because I couldn't stand the idea of never being able to see the kids again, if she found someone else to be her meal-ticket. Yeah. I'm not stupid. I know what I am. A strong back, a pay-check and someone to watch the kids while she goes out and screws around on me, now. Yeah. she thinks I don't know. What she doesn't know is I don't even CARE, any more. The sad part is, I feel like I deserve it, for what I did to Mark."
[He made eye contact for only a second as he rises to leave. I see a man who is completely destroyed. Eyes red and swollen and filled with shame. For the briefest of moments I feel truly sorry for him. He stops in my doorway]
"Please...don't ever say anything about this to Mark. Please."
[I say nothing.]
Then he is gone.
[ By the end of the week I will replay this conversation over and over in my mind...examining every nuance and word that transpired between us. Both said and unsaid. There is the unspoken maybe-if-I-had-reassured-him-one-more-time that I poke and wiggle around at night like a loose tooth. Answering all the questions put forth by both The Police Homicide Division, The Lead Detective, The Coroner's Office...and Tracy herself. This would be the last time anyone saw Jerry alive. According to the report he left my office at a little after 4 PM...drove to a heavily wooded, no longer used logging road, alone. There he shot himself in the right temple. Oddly enough, the handgun he used was registered to Sgt. Mark Cole. He died sitting in his car. Suicide. Some kids would find both the car and body later that evening. Apparently the old lane was used as a "make-out spot" for the local teens. A note was found along with the body. It was not addressed to anyone in particular, and simply read
I Am So Sorry.
