Those who know me well...know that today is a day of Fasting, Meditation, and Reflection. Today is the birthday he will never see, and we will never share together again.
He was my good friend...years ago, my lover...my confidant and sometimes just a shoulder or cheerleader when either of us really needed one. We shared secrets and scars, some dating back to childhood, that both of us will take to the grave.
Our last conversation was a few days before my birthday last year. It would be our final. He died only months later. He was buried before I even knew he was gone. It hasn't been a year, yet, and I am still struggling with closure. The transition between "I Miss" and "I Remember". Wondering sometimes if I will ever stop searching for his face in the crowd. Today, somehow makes it easier. Today it seems okay, almost appropriate, to say
"Goodbye"
Our paths crossed so many times throughout our lives it could never have been random chance. Across three states. And for over twenty years after we were adults we rarely lived further than 15 minutes apart. I know this because one day we both realized it in kind of a Twilight Zone Moment.
"Hey...are you stalking me?"
I absolutely believe that we "travel" in circles through our reincarnations...and know we will meet again down the road.
So today, I remember laughter, bad jokes, Hollywood Kisses and even a few tears. I remember being "taught to smoke", and him laughing at my coughing and watering eyes saying,
"See. I told you those things will kill you."
And it has been ages since I lit a Pall Mall.
But I did today. Sitting in the crisp Fall breeze and remembering a birthday
when I wrote a poem and then translated it in French
and we sat beneath the trees on a bridge
and I read it to him.
Encircled in his arms.
Summer Romance.
Sharing a smoke.
And so, today, I tasted his mouth one more time.
And they say that giving up cigarettes is hard.
They have no idea.
Repose en pace, mon ami...
